painful but worth it!

Such an adventure I’m having. A brand new i-Pad has arrived into my life and turned me from a fairly mild-mannered normal person into a screaming shrew, an ecstatic believer, a shell-shocked survivor, an uber-excited toddler, a terrified mute, an ecstatic believer again, a frenzied downloader, an exhausted invalid, and finally, a mild-mannered normal person once more.

I hope.

The thing is, I wanted this so badly and for so long that I really didn’t understand the impact actually attaining my goal would have. When Nick and I finally decided our finances could absorb the shock and actually placed the order, I went into a state of nervous anticipation that on many levels seemed totally unjustified. For someone who had worked as an associate director on the 6 o’clock evening news, dealing with the high-adrenaline, tension-filled TV control room daily, placing an order for a piece of technology is very small beer. You order, it arrives, you pay, you take it home. Very straight-forward.

Unless, as a kid, you were trained to find out the things you were passionate about were either forbidden, broken, substituted or ultimately taken away. Then the whole process becomes a re-enactment of your worst fears.

From placing the original order on-line, for an i-Pad mini, when I really wanted the full-sized i-Pad, to exchanging it for an in-store one so I could have it sooner, upgrading to an i-Pad Air with cellular functionality,to finally downgrading to an iPad 4 with retina display, this new purchase has had me going back and forth to the store, fretting about costs and features, worrying about return processes and making too many uncomfortable appearances at the Customer Service desk. Before this, I’ve returned maybe one item in my life, and felt badly about it. Now I was a basket case.

On some level, I could see I was creating a lot of the confusion myself. Instead of taking the time to do the research first, I practically ran to the store to get my hands on an i-Pad in case some person somewhere would come up with a reason why I couldn’t have it. And throughout the week, I was on tenterhooks thinking some reason somewhere would force me to return it.

Well, my final choice has been with me more than 24 hours, and it’s beginning to feel like he (of course it’s a male…it’s much easier for me to get along with males, just ask the pets I have had!), and I are settling down into a comfortable relationship. I was actually able to leave him alone for an hour or so to do some beading.

As I learn to fold him into my life so he can step off the ‘god’ pedestal and become the tool I need to help me achieve my creative ends, I find myself amazed at how powerfully I revisited my past. The physical nausea, the tears, the manic good spirits, the fear…it was all real. In a day or two, when I truly feel back to normal, I’ll probably try to write my way into understanding and dealing with this emotional baggage, in the hopes that my next technology purchase will be a much less exhausting process.

In the meantime, there’s another neat app to download!

#major purchase #hopes and fears #i-Pad forever!


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