facing the day

I have this idea that my ideal day would see me in a good mood all day long. If, as today, when I wake up from a dream that leaves lingering emotional residues, ie. I’m starting the day already feeling guilty, it takes me longer to pick up the threads of my quotidian life and get going. I take longer in the kitchen to make my tea, the chances of getting grumpy with Nick are higher, I’m more inclined to get lost browsing the internet if I let myself open a browser.

I may or may not have reached my normal state of optimism when I leave for work. Arriving at work, I gird my loins. I prepare to be pleasant, and hope that everyone else is going to be pleasant too. But the chances of that lasting all day are so remote as to be laughable. Customers have issues, co-workers have challenges, and I will feel guilty at the drop of a hat over circumstances that are usually ‘way beyond my control.

So how to have a good day? Giving myself time in the morning to wake up and acclimatize is good. Even better is writing, words or music, something that lets me feel I’ve put something of mine out in the world. Once I’ve felt I’ve touched an inner truth, however small, I feel connected and more stable, more able to withstand outside influences.

For that is my biggest challenge. Outside influences have a huge effect on my inner life. Even when I know someone else’s frown or indifference has nothing to do with me, I lose my balance. Driving home in the evening, I often think, well, it would have been a good day except for this incident, or that person. Maybe it would help if I think of those influences as being like the weather. Rain today, but I can bring an umbrella. Grumpy customers today, but I am still me, still living, still a miracle.

That’s today’s goal.

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