Seeing

Cold this morning, 0 degrees C, but at least there’s no snow, and it’s sunny.

 

I’ve been walking to and from work without my glasses, taking them off at home whenever I can, and using an 80 point font on my computer screen and I think my eyes are improving. I’m also using an older pair of glasses for most of the day, since I don’t do much close work. It seems things are getting a little clearer. I can see some details in amongst the blurred and doubled images.

 

From the reading I’ve been doing, many eyesight issues are related to emotional issues, the desire of the young child, who cannot change what it must endure, to not “see” how bad things really are. I find the phrase “use a calm, steady gaze” reassuring and helpful when I’m trying to make out details without squinting, and that tells me I’m actually not feeling calm and steady.

 

I usually think of myself being quite calm but as I watch myself going through emotional storms throughout the day, a flash of anger here, an irritation of the nerves there, impatience everywhere, I wonder how I ever believed in my neutrality. Perhaps because people around me didn’t connect with me in a way that acknowledged the emotions, I ended up feeling invisible. Since my whirling internal life had no impact on the external world, I grew to pay it no attention, and eventually believed I presented myself with a kind of calm serenity. Don’t laugh, I really did believe that!

 

Now, when I’m trying not to squint, and finally give up and put my glasses on in a burst of amazingly strong rage, I hearing myself thinking “Yet again, I’m being prevented from doing some little thing I want to do”. So back when I was a child, before my vision went blurry, how many small things was I trying to do but felt blocked?

 

Oh, maybe one or two…. 😉

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